Husband Blows Up At Breadwinning Wife For Not Paying For His Children's Private School Tuition

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juliamal
Aug 1, 2022 6:00 PM EDT

Money problems. We sure do love them here.

We've said it time and time again: not being able to communicate about finances, financial expectations, and all things money can be the downfall of even the longest term relationship. You've got to be transparent about money things. 

In this Am I The A$$hole post, OP writes about his large family full of half-siblings, full siblings, and step siblings. They have a joint account and his wife's children are going to private school because she can afford it, but won't pay for his kids to go to private school too. It's a complicated situation when you have so many family dynamics going on here. Should OP's wife be paying for his kids' education too? Should OP be funding that himself? I'm no money expert here, so it's honestly a tough case to me. Read below for more context and let us know what you think.

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  • 01
    Font - r/AmItheAsshole Posted by u/throwawaydad816 17 hours ago P AITA asking my wife to help pay for private school despite separate finances S I have been married to Stella for 7 years now. Together we have 5 children, daughters from my previous relationship (Kira 11 and May 7), a son and daughter from Stella (Brianna 13 and Jayden 8), and a son together (Lucas 2). My two are 50/50 custody, while my stepchildren only see their bio father every second weekend. My wife and I agreed to split fina
    via u/throwawaydad816
  • 02
    Font - Brianna goes to a private high school. I was talking about high schools to my sister, since Kira is year 6, and realised that on my current pay I won't be able to afford to send her with her sister. My ex is barely willing to pay the costs related to public school, let alone a private one. The school is so much better than the nearby public school, and I know Kira wants to go to her sisters school, so I tried to talk to Stella and asked if she would be willing to help. It's education, and
    via u/throwawaydad816
  • 03
    Font - We argued pretty bad. She thinks I'm being greedy, selfish and petty. But it's not like I'm asking to mooch. I would still foot 50%, and get my ex to contribute as much as I can get her to. Yes it was my choice, but it was for ALL the children, for our family. Besides I literally take care of my step children more than my own (85% v 50%). I'm not just being lazy or focusing on my own children, I've been there for them all. So I think it's frankly unfair for her to refuse to help even a li
    via u/throwawaydad816
  • 04
    Font - Temporary_Badger 16 hr. ago edited 14 hr. ago Commander in Cheeks [272] ESH, but you more. Like heavily leaning Y T A. You needed to discuss this when you decided to cut your hours. It doesn't sound like the decision was in any way a mutual one made between you and your wife, but all you. Despite that, your wife has been willing to pay more of your shared expenses, which at least somewhat compensates for the extra childcare you are doing. For some reason, you waited until your kid was abo
    via u/Temporary_Badger
  • 05
    Font - Harry7411 16 hr. ago Asshole Aficionado [10] . YTA. It is yours and your ex wife's responsibility to take care of your kids educations. Just as it is your wife and her ex husbands responsibility to take care of theirs. You aren't contributing anything to your step kids educations. If your wife is paying for most of the bills, it's fair that your contribution to the family be in the way of more childcare. I have been a stay at home mom for 10 years. I do most housework, cooking, cleaning..
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  • 06
    Font - Primary-Criticism929 17 hr. ago Craptain [154] YTA. Your wife is paying most of the bills because of your decision to take another job so it makes sense that you help her out with her kids. But she is not responsible for paying for your kids private school. Your wife manages to pay for a family of 7 and pay for private school for her kid all on her own. Why should she sacrifice and pay for your kid because of the decisions you and your ex made ? Grow up. You made the choice to have 3 kids
    via u/Primary-Criticism929
  • 07
    Font - JeepersCreepers74 16 hr. ago Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [380] ESH. Separate finances are great for couples with similar earning power who are able to divide household responsibilities and expenses evenly. They are not a good match for your blended family situation where one parent has taken on more childcare responsibilities and given up some income as a result. This situation is the perfect example of why it doesn't work--it results in children being treated differently or as if they a
    via u/JeepersCreepers74
  • 08
    Font - Automatic-Diamond-52 16 hr. ago YTA First you blame the kids for " begging" you to quit your job, then you blame your wife because you cant pay for your kids When are you going to take some responsibility for your own actions? Reply Share Report Save Follow 360
    via u/Automatic-Diamond-52
  • 09
    Font - ifallupthestairsalot 16 hr. ago Asshole Enthusiast [7] I'm shocked at the nta comments honestly. You had an agreement with her. Paying half of your kids school is not her responsibility, her mother needs to pay half. Yta. After she said no, you should have left it alone. Don't drag everyone else into this because you're mad you can't afford it. Reply Share Report Save Follow 264
    via u/ifallupthestairsalot
  • 10
    Font - Vero518 16 hr. ago YTA. Your wife won't pay to put your daughter in private school, so you threaten to leave your stepchildren, and only your stepchildren, at daycare/with a babysitter and only take your own children home and care for them? You literally threatened to neglect her children because she dared to not pay for your child to go to private school, that is monstrous. Reply Share Report Save Follow 238
    via u/Vero518
  • 11
    Font - OoohItsAMystery - 16 hr. ago Partassipant [2] YTA. You made the choice to leave your job. Doesnt sound like you put much thought into it either. The kids whined and moaned, like kids do, and you buckled. You didn't look at other options. You decided to make yourself the kids savior and be home for them. Unfortunately, now you have to deal with consequences of wanting to be the hero of your brood. Sorry. Your kid doesn't need to go to private school. And I know, I know, you could just as e
    via u/OoohItsAMystery
  • 12
    Font - Rude-Dog2559 - 16 hr. ago Do you pay half of the fees for her daughter to go to the private school? Pretty sure I know the answer and pretty sure that makes YTA. 148 Reply Share Report Save Follow
    via u/Rude-Dog2559
  • 13
    Font - LikePlutoComplex 15 hr. ago Reading through your post and all of your follow-up comments, I believe you do want what's best for the children. Unfortunately you and Stella aren't on the same page about finances, about the value of time versus money, and even more so about the fact that they are all your children. Together. Regardless of where they started out. At least, you seem to see it one way and Stella sees it differently and you're fighting to be right versus prioritizing your family
    via u/LikePlutoComplex
  • 14
    Font - MorwenPendragon 16 hr. ago YTA - You only realized this cost now and you are turning to someone you know the income of to bankroll the outcome you want. There is a schooling option you can afford, while that sucks it is something that should have been a higher priority if it meant that much to you. Your wife should probably recognize what you do more and probably could contribute something based on the mental/emotional/physical load you put into the additional childcare. As long as you di
    via u/MorwenPendragon
  • 15
    Font - Twisted Lover8. 16 hr. ago YTA It was your choice to make a really bad financial decision based on the kids's whims. In blended families, separate finances is the best solution all the time. 73 Reply Share Report Save Follow
    via u/TwistedLover8
  • 16
    Font - Officer Hops 15 hr. ago . This is a fascinating one for me. Normally this sub would completely destroy men who think their wives should do all the housework when the man is the only one working. The retort is often that maintaining a home is work and the stay at home takes care of the kids after school etc. But in this situation where OP took one for the team and chose to take a lower paying job for less hours so the parents could avoid childcare and the kids could have a more stable envi
    via u/Officer_Hops
  • 17
    Font - iDryft 15 hr. ago Sometimes the easiest answer is the one no one looks at. Put all the kids back in after school care and go back to the high paying job. You'll be able to afford what you want to achieve and if the kids ask, you needed to do this for their future. Financially you couldn't do it alone. If your wife doesn't like this outcome, she can discuss alternatives with you. 68 Reply Share Report Save Follow
    via u/iDryft
  • 18
    Font - Zealousideal-Crew783 16 hr. ago You didn't discuss how the finances would play out BEFORE you took the pay cut and left your wife to be the majority earner?? And now, you are working less, seeing all the kids more, AND you want your wife to pay for her step-kid's private school? How do you justify that- because they no longer do after-school care? Because Private school tuition is a SHIT TON more than afterschool care from 3:30-6. YTA. 462 Reply Share Report Save Follow
    via u/Zealousideal-Crew783

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